People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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