why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
