There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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