i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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