Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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