shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
