my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
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