Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
