i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
