You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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