i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
