I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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