I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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