where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
