I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
two words: eviction party
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We left an ass print on the piano.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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