just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
