god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
