I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
