his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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