My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
