I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
