I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
