Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
