dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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