Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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