tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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