Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize