This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
