Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
