dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
