God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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