You're completely useless in the revolution.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
