Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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