Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
