this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
