She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
this boner is exhausting
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
