my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Randomize
