I'm gonna have a badass scar
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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