My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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