I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
