Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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