I wish I could teleport
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
