Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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