Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
