i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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