you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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