YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
