Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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