Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize