I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
