Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
