Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
