I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
