Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
