Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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