dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
