I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize