Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
