My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
