She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
