I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
