And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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