i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
