I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
