I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
