I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
