I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
