ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize