I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
