how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
