His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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